The fallacies we live with

30/1/2026

My experience has shown that many of us hold beliefs,  usually developed when we were children, that are fallacies, not true, and so hold us back from being our authentic selves. These beliefs, that I have been told about frequently in my consulting rooms include;

- I am broken because I was abused.

- If I cry in public I make myself vulnerable - and that is a dreadful / terrifying mistake.

- I have to make the ONLY right decision.

These beliefs almost always made sense to the small child who discovered them and doubtless were the best sense they could make of the situations and emotions that were presented to them at the time.

The adult who was abused as a child almost has to believe they are broken, because, usually, a trusted adult has betrayed them, and they know what happened was not right. And this betrayal, they often feel, must be to do with them not the adult. For a small child this has to be true as the world necessarily revolves around them, they don’t yet have the capacity to understand there is a wider world, and that adults do things that are nothing to do with them. The adults usually also let the child know that what has happened has to be secret and again children usually know this is not right in some way. Probably because they pick up on the fact that it is critically important to the abusing adult that it is secret. So, the best sense that the child can make of this experience is that it is their fault somehow and so they must be broken, bad, to blame in some way.  This is of course not true but it is usually only when they are older that people can be supported to understand this truth.

The person who holds this belief can be helped to find a new way of understanding what happened to them by supporting them to see the actions for what they were; an abuse of power and a betrayal of trust against a small child. And to develop a sense of their own worth and value as human beings. This is a slow process but in the context of a supportive therapeutic relationship this level of trust and self-confidence can be found again.

The belief that crying in public makes us vulnerable, I think, has many layers. Partly it is enforced by a cultural acceptance that emotions, generally, are a sign of weakness. This is such a powerful and fallacious belief in the white British culture where logic and rationality are seen as valuable and emotions as not. My belief is that humans are necessarily emotional creatures and that our emotions offer us huge amount of information about us and the world we live in. This information, taken as equally useful input to our logical and rational beliefs, can support us to make much wiser decisions as we are better informed.  Using both our cognition and our emotion gives us a wider and more complex base of information on which to make decisions. We also seem to have been taught that crying is a sign of weakness. This again is simply not true, crying is a sign of sadness or distress, that should be taken seriously and the person comforted or responded to in  some way. Sometimes crying is actually a sign of strength, that someone is facing up to something and is not afraid to show others that is what they are doing. Also, the belief that emotions make us vulnerable is an interesting one. The sense of vulnerability stems from a fear of being attacked or hurt originally. It is an interesting statement about our beliefs in the people around us that we feel that if we show emotions they will attack us. It is true that bullies develop an awareness of the weak points of others and will attack them exactly in those spots. But it is not specifically because they are showing emotions that they are bullied.

When I have talked about this to friends and colleagues I have heard quite a few stories about how the fact that someone was able to cry in public made those around them only feel compassion and support for them and the strength of their emotions.

The fear that many say they feel about crying in public is, I often think, a reflection of their sense of shame and a fear that others will think them to be soft or weak. These are culturally imposed beliefs that do not stand up to much exploration. When people feel able to cry in my room with me I am always touched by the level of emotion and by their courage to show me just how much they feel.

Having to make the only right decision is a fear that paralyses many of the people I work with. They can describe to me in great detail the time they take in planning things, checking travel details, menus in restaurants and so many other things. When I ask what this achieves, does it in fact reduce their anxiety? The answer is almost always No. It often actually increases it, as it only reinforces the fact that there are so many things that could go wrong. It also means that they are worrying so much about whether the train will be on time or the restaurant will be OK they have no time left to actually enjoy the event themselves. This sense of responsibility for others is very common. When I gently suggest that this is not possible, they can’t be responsible for others, it is misplaced, people often look surprised and then relieved.  It takes a while for people to come to terms with this new suggestion, to practice acting on it and to really understand that they cannot be and are not responsible for the decisions and actions and outcomes for others.  But the relief when they do is enormous, they can just enjoy an outing, maybe check for themselves the times of trains or the nearest taxis.  But that is all.

These beliefs are usually developed when we are small, when the world is a mystifying place and we are struggling to make some sense of it. Many of the beliefs serve us well but those that are fallacies only hold us back, prevent us from growing into our authentic selves. If we can explore them, find out a bit about their history and the energy behind them and above all be willing to adopt some new beliefs, this can make life a lot pleasanter and reduce levels of anxiety quite considerably.