Siblings and other relationships

12/5/2024

How well do we really know our siblings? There is an assumption that because we grew up together we must know each other well, that we have deep conversations with each other, that we can trust each other, and that  we don’t judge. I am not at all sure that any of that is  necessarily true. Someone recently commented that they had gone ‘home’  to their family for a celebration event and all that happened was that they sat round sharing inane conversation. As if somehow, being family, the conversation should have been more meaningful.

We tend to believe that ‘blood is thicker than water’ as the saying goes and that we will often do things for and respond to, siblings and family before friends and others. However this doesn’t ring true for all families.

Is it realistic to expect to be able to rely on siblings just because we grew up together? We will all have had very different experiences of the same family home and parents and caregivers. Parents often try really hard to be treat all their children ‘the same’. whatever that might mean. But each child is different,  what is going on for the parents is different, the family changes every time a new child arrives or leaves. We know of families where one child carries the family shadow, is  the odd one out, for some reason is treated quite differently to other children.  It may be due to what happened during their birth, to their personality, to how they and the others interact, to the impact of other external factors, but what is clear ( at least to an outsider ) is that they are treated differently. We all also know people who feel they don’t ' fit’ in their families, again for a wide variety of reasons. People who grow up with one group of people  and want nothing to do with them as they grow older. There may be ‘obvious’ reasons like abuse or differences, but there are often no clear explanations Just a strong feeling that ‘ I don’t fit’, these are not my people.

We also know that children often strive to remain attached to parents even though they are clearly abusive and or frightening, that we long for parental approval or affection into our adult years, especially when we haven’t been given it. So the fundamental attachment to our early care givers is very strong and the genetic links are powerful too. Adopted children sometimes want to find their biological parents, to get to know the family they came from, even when they have been attached and happy in their adoptive family.

Children prefer predictability in their carers, we like to be able to more or less predict and understand their responses to actions. Parents who are unpredictable or lie to their children cause huge distress and the children often find it hard to trust others in later life. If the people upon whom we depend for survival can’t be trusted-who can be? I often find myself thinking and talking about the impact of ‘secrets and lies’ upon us as children. How this means that the world is not a safe place to be and what that means for our lives now.

A lot is written about finding our own tribe, finding the group of people with whom we feel comfortable. For some this will be their family.  But for others it will be people they choose to spend time with, who share values or recent experiences.  This is an important part of finding our place in the world and feeling comfortable in it.  Knowing that there are people who we can share things with, who we can trust and who will respond in ways that we can predict.

Friends are an incredibly important part of our lives and as we live longer, some of us move around more, move between jobs and careers more, maybe friendships are becoming even more important. Friends we have known for years often fall into the same box as family.  We have known them so long, shared so much we don’t really even have to think about them anymore. Even though we may have grown apart, had very different lives, the fact of that shared history can be very powerful.

Relationships with family and friends need to be nurtured, they cannot be relied on.  Taking time for them, letting them know you are still interested in them and sharing what is happening for you is really important and too easily forgotten.