Why we always seem to focus on the negative and the story of the two wolves

30/8/2024

There is a suggestion that this is an age old process that makes sure  we will  see the dangers in the world around us. However in the 21st century that is no longer really useful, many dangers we can prepare for and mitigate. Others we do need to be thoughtful about but not in the sense of ‘ constant vigilance’. The research suggests that our brains have not quite adapted to this so that our  resting state is one of looking out for negatives, dangers, things to be cautious about. One consequence of this is that it is important to actively practice looking for positives to enjoy, and more importantly to balance the scales.  We will find the dangers and the negative so we don’t need to worry about that. But we also need to make sure we look out for the  good things in life.

 

Our imagination can also come into play here. If you have a vivid imagination this can be really helpful in creating and planning things, but can make the down side, the focus on negatives, really vivid too. Which can be painful and overwhelming. There is nothing to be gained, that I am aware of, from really imagining, in every felt detail, the awful things that might just happen. This is likely to frighten or overwhelm us. We can believe that this preparation protects us, makes sure we can cope when it actually happens. But there is no evidence that this is actually true. 

 

When we are actively engaged in something, this negative seeking doesn’t function, it is usually on high alert in those moments when nothing much else is happening. This is also often a very habitual response: “Hey normally I am worried so what can I find to worry about now so that I can feel ‘comfortably normal’ again.” If worry and anxiety is your ‘normal’ state your body knows that and seems to want to recreate  that normality. So we need to train our systems that while anxiety and worry maybe your common place it doesn’t have to be normal. Distracting  yourself is often a good way of beginning to establish a new normal as when the brain is engaged in something the positive networks will naturally come into play it seems.

 

For many of us this is exacerbated by our internal ‘inner critic’.  This is the voice that says things like; Why did you do that, That was stupid, You don’t deserve it anyway. The detail of the criticism is unique to each one of us and that inner critic often has a range of statements that it deploys, seemingly relentlessly. And, with that endless dripping, after a while when we have heard it often enough we begin to believe it.  Often these criticisms are developed from those we heard either explicitly or implicitly as children. That sense of never quite being good enough or not getting it right is a real resource for this inner voice.

 

The story that is said to have originated with  the Cherokee tribes  about Two Wolves is a interesting analogy here. 

 

The Cherokee Chief was teaching his grandson about life.  He said “A fight is on on inside me, a fight between 2 wolves.  One  wolf is anger, envy, greed, arrogance, self pity, resentment , inferiority, lies, false pride and superiority. The other is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth and compassion. The same fight is going on inside you grandson and inside every other person on this earth.  The grandson thinks about this and asks’Which one will win?”  The Grandfather smiles and says “The one you feed.”

 

Every day we make choices, important choices that could be overlooked as being trivial – but these choices define us. They are a statement of who we choose to be in this life, and what impact we will have on the world around us.

 

It's often so much easier to feed the angry wolf — the angry wolf in part encourages the easier options in life. It often seems easier to procrastinate, complain, dismiss, ignore, and give up.

 

There is almost no effort required to do those things, and you’re getting the reward with the sensation of relieving and instant gratification without much action.

 

The joyful wolf is very different; it’s harder to feed. It  can be challenging, tiring and time-consuming to do things like learning, teaching, inspiring, sharing or simply sticking to new behaviours. These things take energy, effort, vulnerability, momentum, and bravery. They take more time and you don’t usually see immediate results.

 

Which wolf you choose to feed will define who you are.

 

The old Cherokee went on, “If you feed them right, they both win.”

 

“You see, if I only choose to feed the joyful wolf, the angry wolf will be hiding around every corner waiting for me to become distracted or weak and jump to get the attention he craves. He will always be angry and will always fight the joyful wolf.”

 

“But if I acknowledge him, he is happy and the joyful wolf is happy and we all win. For the angry wolf  also has many qualities — tenacity, courage, fearlessness, strong-will and great strategic thinking–that I have need of at times. These are the very things the joyful wolf lacks. But the joyful  wolf has compassion, caring, strength and the ability to recognise what is in the best interest of all.”

 

“You see, son, the joyful wolf needs the angry wolf at his side. To feed only one would starve the other and they will become uncontrollable. To feed and care for both means they will both serve you well and do nothing that is not a part of something greater, something good, something of life.”

 

“Feed them both and there will be no more internal struggle for your attention. And when there is no battle inside, you can listen to the voices of deeper knowing that will guide you in choosing what is right in every circumstance.”

 

“Peace, my son, is the Cherokee mission in life. A person who has peace inside has everything. A person who is pulled apart by the war inside themselves has nothing. How you choose to interact with the opposing forces within you will determine your life. Starve one or the other or guide them both.” 

 

The message I take from this is that it is not possible to excommunicate the inner critic, the angry wolf, it is important to acknowledge that they are part of us and what they can offer, but not to fixate on their particular view of the world. With practice, usually quite lot of practice, we can learn to distract ourselves from that inner critic, to redirect our attention to the joyful wolf, to things that capture our positive attention. Learning to look in another direction, to take our attention from the inner critic can be really hard, but is well worth the effort. Things that can help are reading watching movies, listening to music, reading or reciting poetry doing puzzles, ringing a friend, going out for a walk and paying attention to the natural world around,. It is important to find what works for you.  It is also important to recognise that paying attention to this critical, angry voice is really draining. In other words while we can’t control the world we live in we can control how we respond to it.  Though often it doesn't feel as if we can. This is where the practice is really important. We can learn to control that inner critic at least partly  by paying attention to other things.